Amantul incearca sa o consoleze pe proaspata vaduva.
-Trebuie sa avem putin respect! se revolta ea. In seara asta, te rog……..incet si trist!…

Cum incepe o reteta tiganeasca de prajituri ???? Se fura patru oua ….

– O vodka, va rog.
Bea, apoi, soptit:
– Dar o fata aveti? as dori….
– Fete nu avem, dar daca insistati…. vi-l oferim pe john.
– Imi pare rau, dar eu nu sunt homosexual.
Pleaca.
Se intoarce peste o saptamana.
– O votka, va rog.
Bea, apoi:
– As dori si o fata, daca se poate…
– Fete nu avem dar vi-l oferim pe John.
– Nu sunt homosexual, dar daca altceva nu aveti…
accept. Dar sa nu stie nimeni, decat noi doi.
– Vor sti 7 oameni.
– Cum asa?
– Eu, dumneata, John si alti patru care trebuie sa-l tina pe John ca nici el nu e homosexual.

Soarecele facea baie,fericit si incantat,intr-un lac.Apare elefantul,furios si agitat.Striga la soarece:
– Iesi imediat din apa!
Soarecele:
-De ce? doar de cateva minute am intrat in apa.
Elefantul:
-Iesi cand iti spun!
Soarecele,speriat dar ascultator,iese din apa si se apropie de elefant.Elefantul examineaza foarte atent soricelul si apoi ii spune:
-O.K. poti sa te scalzi mai departe,am crezut ca mi-ai furat slipul!

La BAC se prezintă elevi cu diferite pregătiri. Intră primul foarte pregătit şi iese radios: – Cum a fost? îl intreabă ceilalţi. – E… ca între profesori… – Adică…? – Ei întrebau, eu răspundeam, ne completam… Intră al doilea şi la ieşire aceeaşi întrebare: – Cum a fost? – Ca de la profesori la elev… ei întrebau, eu răspundeam, mă mai ajutau ei… Intră al treilea… şi la ieşire: – Cum a fost? – E… cum să fie… ca între popi… – Cum aşa? – Păi ei întrebau, eu îmi făceam cruce, eu răspundeam, ei isi faceau cruce!

– Chuck Norris serializes objects straight into human skulls.

– Chuck Norris doesn’t deploy web applications, he roundhouse kicks them into the server.

– Chuck Norris always uses his own design patterns, and his favorite is the Roundhouse Kick.

– Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.

– Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your web app will turn into a swing application, and a very bad swing application containing lots of icons of human skulls.

– Chuck Norris demonstrated the meaning of Float.POSITIVE_INFINITY by counting to it, twice.

– A synchronize doesn’t protect against Chuck Norris, if he wants the object, he takes it.

– Chuck Norris doesn’t use javac, he codes java by using a binary editor on the class files.

– Chuck Norris’ java code never needs to be optimized. His code is so fast that it broke the speed of light during a test run in Sun’s labs killing 37 people.

– When someone attempts to use one of Chuck Norris’ deprecated methods, they automatically get a roundhouse kick to the face at compile time.

– The java.lang package originally contained a ChuckNorris class, but it punched its way out the package during a design review and roundhouse kicked Bill Joy in the face.

– Chuck Norris never has a bug in his code, EVER!

– Chuck Norris doesn’t write code. He stares at a computer screen until he gets the progam he wants.

– Code runs faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

– Chuck Norris’ binary edited classes ignore Java bytecode verifier.

– Chuck Norris methods doesn’t catch exceptions becuase no one has the guts to throw any at them.

– Chuck Norris will cast a value to any type just by staring at it.

– If you get a ChuckNorrisException you’ll probably die.

– Chuck Norris is the only one who can use goto and const in Java.

– Chuck Norris can compile Java code in .NET Framework, obviously just by staring at it.

– Chuck dont need to catch an Exception because Java is afraid of the “flying tornado kick” at the moment it throws

– Chuck Norris’s code can roundhouse kick all other Java Objects’ privates

– Java visibility levels are public, default, protected, private and “protected by Chuck Norris”, don’t try to access a field with this
last modifier!!

– Chuck Norris eats JavaBeans and Roundhouse Kicks JavaServer Faces!

– Chuck Norris can divide by 0!

– Garbage collector only runs on Chuck Norris code to collect the bodies.

– Chuck Norris code uses agressive heap natively

– Every single line code of Chuck Norris runs in real time. Even in a multi threading application.

– When a CPU load a Chuck Norris class file, it doubles the speed.

– Chuck Norris can execute 64bit lenght instructions in a 32bit CPU.

– Chuck Norris implements “Indestructible”. All the other creatures implements “Killable”.

– Chuck Norris only program Java web applications to get a .WAR in the end.

– Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a Java class very hard. The result is known as a inner class.

– Chuck Norris can do multiple inheritance in Java.

– JVM never throws exceptions to Chuck Norris, not anymore. 753 killed Sun engineers is enough.

– Chuck Norris doesn’t need unit tests because his code always work. ALWAYS.

– Chuck Norris extends God.

– Chuck Norris workstation has so memory and it’s so powerful that he could run all java applications in the world and get 2% of resources usage.

– Chuck Norris codes generics since 1.3.

– Chuck Norris’ classes can’t be decompiled… don’t bother trying.

Doi gameri se jucau WoW in noaptea de paste … unul ii zice:
“Hristos a inviat”
celalalt: “Ce level e?”

De ce nu-l schimba Piturca pe Banel?
– Pentru ca nu-l prinde.

– De ce l-au pus astia pe Banel sa alerge in halul ala?
– Pentru ca trebuie sa-i faca revizia la 20.000 de kilometri.

– De ce terenul de joc e marcat cu un chenar alb?
– Pentru ca altfel Banel ar fugi si prin tribuna.