Studiind intens mi\u015fc\u0103rile planetelor retrograd cu ajutorul celor mai sofisticate aparate de m\u0103surat karma,ciobarii,\u00a0 exper\u0163i \u00een astrologie, consacra\u0163i din pruncie \u00een tainele viitorului, au reu\u015fit s\u0103 vad\u0103 mai departe dec\u00e2t oricare alt\u0103 persoan\u0103 de pe acest p\u0103m\u00e2nt efectele s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2nii urm\u0103toare asupra fiec\u0103rei zodii \u00een parte,\u00a0 ultimele trei fiind pu\u0163in \u00een cea\u0163\u0103, b\u0103utura r\u0103pun\u00e2ndu-i la un moment dat pe c\u00e2mpul de lupt\u0103.<\/p>\n
Berbec. <\/strong>Ploaia de luni v\u0103 va aminti de o fost\u0103 prieten\u0103 din timpul liceului. Nu, nu era vorba de rabie sta\u0163i lini\u015ftit, acesta va deveni oaspete de joi, c\u00e2nd \u00een grab\u0103 \u015fi cu ochii \u00een \u015fase: doi spre so\u0163ie, doi spre erec\u0163ie \u015fi doi spre b\u0103utur\u0103, v\u0103 ve\u0163i \u00eenfige jigodia \u00een porcu\u015forul de guineea al fiicei dumneavoastr\u0103. Pentru luni ne referim la pneumonie. Nu v\u0103 face\u0163i griji, p\u00e2n\u0103 duminic\u0103 scapa\u0163i de ea. Regrete eterne familiei \u00eendurerate.<\/p>\n Taur<\/strong>. S\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2na aceasta sunte\u0163i \u00een form\u0103. Jongla\u0163i cu problemele ivite \u00een cale. V\u0103 c\u0103lca\u0163i du\u015fmanii \u00een picioare ca pe bran\u0163uri. Toate bune \u015fi frumoase. Este \u015fi ziua dumneavoastr\u0103 de nume. Felicit\u0103ri. P\u0103cat c\u0103 nu v\u0103 cre\u015fte \u015fi cealalt\u0103 m\u00e2n\u0103. Colegii v\u0103 aplaud\u0103 ironic din dep\u0103rtare c\u00e2nd v\u0103 desface\u0163i cu din\u0163ii cadoul. Nu v\u0103 spunem ce a\u0163i primit, totul va fi o surpriz\u0103. V\u0103 suger\u0103m totu\u015fi s\u0103 nu trage\u0163i prea tare de panglic\u0103, s-ar putea s\u0103 ias\u0103 cuiul.<\/p>\n Gemeni<\/strong>. V\u0103 c\u0103uta\u0163i toat\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2na un loc de\u00a0 munc\u0103. N-o s\u0103 g\u0103si\u0163i c\u0103 o s\u0103 o cauta\u0163i doar \u00een baruri \u015fi prin centrele de masaj exotic. Vineri surprinde\u0163i un boschetar ce se mic\u0163iona cu poft\u0103 pe parbrizul ma\u015finii. Cu spume-n barb\u0103 v\u0103 repezi\u0163i asupra lui \u015fi, animalic, \u00eei smulge\u0163i un sf\u00e2rc \u015fi \u00eei sf\u00e2\u015fia\u0163i cu din\u0163ii artera femural\u0103. Moare. V\u0103 preda\u0163i imediat ce termina\u0163i de molf\u0103it sf\u00e2rcul. Ma\u015fina nici m\u0103car nu era a dumneavoastr\u0103.<\/p>\n Rac<\/strong>. Mar\u0163i, o diaree nea\u015fteptat\u0103 v\u0103 stric\u0103 \u00eent\u00e2lnirea \u00een particular cu \u015feful companiei. Nu ob\u0163ine\u0163i m\u0103rirea pe care o dorea\u0163i dumneavoastr\u0103, \u00eens\u0103 primi\u0163i din partea colegilor patru baxuri de h\u00e2rtie igienic\u0103 cu triplu strat. V\u0103 cuprinde depresia c\u00e2nd afla\u0163i c\u0103 nu ve\u0163i avea ap\u0103 acas\u0103\u00a0 toat\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2na din cauza unei \u0163evi sparte. Diareea nu v\u0103 d\u0103 pace. V\u0103 sf\u0103tuim s\u0103 apela\u0163i la un cep de butoi sau, dac\u0103 acesta v\u0103 irit\u0103, la o gref\u0103 de piele de pe s\u00e2ni c\u0103 oricum sunt oribili.<\/p>\n Leu<\/strong>. Sunte\u0163i fericit deoarece \u00een plin\u0103 criz\u0103 \u015fi f\u0103r\u0103 a avea vreun pic de cuno\u015ftin\u0163e a\u0163i reu\u015fit s\u0103 ob\u0163ine\u0163i o slujb\u0103 mult mai bine pl\u0103tit\u0103. Avea\u0163i o imagine de ap\u0103rat, iar cea de portar de punct de colectare nu v\u0103 punea \u00eentr-o lumin\u0103 prea pl\u0103cut\u0103. S\u00e2mb\u0103t\u0103, \u00eencerc\u00e2nd din r\u0103sputeri s\u0103 v\u0103 aseza\u0163i pe o canapea, ve\u0163i jura c\u0103 \u00een via\u0163a dumneavoastr\u0103 nu ve\u0163i mai fi asistentul lui D\u00e2r\u0163\u0103.<\/p>\n Fecioara<\/strong>. V\u0103 comuta\u0163i la religia calvinist\u0103, ve\u0163i face cu so\u0163ia treisprezece copii \u00een patru luni ( noi ce s\u0103 v\u0103 facem dac\u0103 nu purta\u0163i ochelari, v-am spus c\u0103 latr\u0103), ve\u0163i refuza ajutorul medicilor c\u00e2nd ve\u0163i fi mu\u015fcat, \u00eencerc\u00e2nd s\u0103 v\u0103 ap\u0103ra\u0163i partenera de via\u0163\u0103,\u00a0 de c\u0103tre opt comunitari \u00een c\u0103lduri. \u00cen aproximativ trei ore ve\u0163i muri, urm\u00e2nd a fi \u00eengropat de c\u0103tre so\u0163ie \u00een gr\u0103dina blocului, l\u00e2ng\u0103 ni\u015fte oase r\u0103mase de la cin\u0103.<\/p>\n Balan\u0163\u0103<\/strong>. Calmul v\u0103 va lumina \u00eentreaga s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103. De vin\u0103 este diazepamul. Luni ve\u0163i lua crez\u00e2nd c\u0103 e aspirin\u0103, mar\u0163i ve\u0163i mai ron\u0163\u0103i c\u00e2teva deoarece v-a pl\u0103cut\u00a0 gustul, miercuri patru pastilu\u0163e de poft\u0103, joi deja un jaf la farmacia de pe col\u0163. De vineri \u00eencolo nu mai sunte\u0163i de g\u0103sit. Duminic\u0103 p\u0103rin\u0163ii vor primi o felicitare \u00een care ap\u0103re\u0163i z\u00e2mbind al\u0103turi de Marilyn \u015fi Elvis.<\/p>\n Scorpion<\/strong>. Luni devine cert\u0103 posibilitatea de a lucra \u00eentr-o corpora\u0163ie din Los Angeles, pe un post familiar dumneavoastr\u0103. Ve\u0163i avea parte de nenum\u0103rate beneficii. O s\u0103 pute\u0163i lua familia cu dumneavoastr\u0103, angajatorul cump\u0103r\u00e2ndu-v\u0103 un bungalow cochet pe malul oceanului. Nu ve\u0163i mai duce lips\u0103 de absolut nimic de acum \u00eencolo. Duminic\u0103 ave\u0163i avionul. S\u00e2mb\u0103t\u0103, pentru a intra \u00een spiritul american, fiul dumneavoastr\u0103 de opt ani v\u0103 \u00eempu\u015fc\u0103 mortal.<\/p>\n S\u0103get\u0103tor<\/strong>. Toat\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2na ve\u0163i suferi \u00een dragoste. Adic\u0103 v\u0103 va durea. Nu mai \u00eencerca\u0163i s\u0103 abuza\u0163i sexual vazele cu flori! Femeile din aceast\u0103 vor primi \u00een mar\u0163i, joi \u015fi s\u00e2mb\u0103t\u0103 c\u00e2te o geant\u0103. Serios. Luni, miercuri \u015fi vineri vor trebui s\u0103 munceasc\u0103 \u00een a-\u015fi convinge iubi\u0163ii\/clien\u0163ii s\u0103 le cumpere minunatele accesorii derivate din saco\u015fe.<\/p>\n Capricorn<\/strong>. Orice a\u0163i \u00eencerca s\u0103 face\u0163i \u00een aceast\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 nu v\u0103 va ie\u015fi.\u00a0 Motivul este unul c\u00e2t se poate de obiectiv: toat\u0103 lumea v\u0103 ur\u0103\u015fte pentru c\u0103 sunte\u0163i n\u0103scu\u0163i\/e \u00een aceea\u015fi lun\u0103 cu Eminescu. Ve\u0163i avea parte numai de be\u0163e-n roate \u015fi coate-n fe\u0163e. V\u0103 sf\u0103tuim s\u0103 nu ie\u015fi\u0163i aceast\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 din cas\u0103. Fetele singure care au fric\u0103 de \u00eentuneric pot apela la membrii redac\u0163iei pentru a le aduce lumina pe chipuri.<\/p>\n V\u0103rs\u0103tor<\/strong>. B\u0103utura va fi cel mai bun prieten al dumneavoastr\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 s\u00e2mb\u0103t\u0103. \u00cencep\u00e2nd cu tequilla \u015fi termin\u00e2nd cu \u015fampania rom\u00e2neasc\u0103, ve\u0163i petrece cinci zile extraordinare pres\u0103rate cu ni\u015fte mici pierderi de memorie \u015fi ca\u015fcaval. De s\u00e2mb\u0103t\u0103 \u00eencolo ve\u0163i avea un nou prieten: aparatul de f\u0103cut clism\u0103.<\/p>\n Pe\u015fti<\/strong>. Ne pare r\u0103u s\u0103 v\u0103 inform\u0103m dar \u00een momentul \u00een care dumneavoastr\u0103 citi\u0163i horoscopul apartamentul dumneavoastr\u0103 este spart. Ce p\u0103cat c\u0103 vinerea trecut\u0103 a\u0163i scos toate economiile\u00a0 din banc\u0103. Nu se poate! Erau \u015fi cheile de la ma\u015fina cump\u0103rat\u0103 \u00een leasing acas\u0103? E bine m\u0103car c\u0103 nu era iubita\u00a0 acas\u0103 … sau era? E atunci e bine pentru ea.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Studiind intens mi\u015fc\u0103rile planetelor retrograd cu ajutorul celor mai sofisticate aparate de m\u0103surat karma,ciobarii,\u00a0 exper\u0163i \u00een astrologie, consacra\u0163i din pruncie \u00een tainele viitorului, au reu\u015fit s\u0103 vad\u0103 mai departe dec\u00e2t oricare alt\u0103 persoan\u0103 de pe …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[87,103],"tags":[1152,1592,1779,2655],"class_list":["post-5426","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-cate-n-luna-si-stele-verzi","category-promo","tag-dume","tag-horoscop","tag-jigodie","tag-preziceri"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5426","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5426"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5426\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5426"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5426"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/revistacioburi.ro\/revistacioburi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5426"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}